Oleh Sinta Ridwan |
Ceritanya ini adalah cerpen terjemahan dari cerpen yang berjudul Kutub Aurora. Barangkali ada yang mau membaca keduanya, lumayan, ini cerpen ala-ala awal belajar. Lebih ke kayak curhatan sih ini, hehehe.
Ending Frozen Aurora
Desperation was clinging tight on this soul. I had planned everything. Everything outside my personal importance. For the culture of my nation. My struggle was answered by a rejection of my existence. And now, I successfully made everybody even less cared about me. Because I didn’t belong in this world anymore.
Unworthy. A world of ancient literature. A world under the angel’s wings who carried bow and arrows. The greatest academical world in Parahyangan. A world that owned four palaces, controlled by Sunan Syarif Hidatullah. The world that gave me birth. The world on which I stood now. The world that thought my life lessons. And I, now had to get out from the world which was unworthy to be stepped by me, touched by me, and fought for by me. Everybody thought I was not worthy. Yes, really unworthy.
My desperation peaked on the night filled with the songs of owls, sitting on top of the hole that I was trapped in. My soul screamed for the prince who could save me. Help me! Can anybody rescue me from this small, dark hole? I can’t jump anymore. I can’t pick myself up again. I can’t hang on. The walls were getting smaller. I feared off being squeezed and wedged in. Help, help me.
The condition in here was uncontrollable anymore, I was getting trapped. Soon, I would be disappeared into the darkness. Died in hatred. I couldn’t find any rudder of this hole. Between feelings-thoughts-soul-brain-aurora and common sense. Everything disappeared. Gone, carried away by the cold ice of the pole. At the end of the earth.
The only way out was to get into the core of the hole. There were three passages. Ways to the pole. Those were the way to get the rudder, so I could stop its movement, its constriction.
But there were three passages! How can I pick one of them in such short time? Where can I get the reassurance to quickly and precisely choose the right passage? What if I take the wrong way? Ah, I would be trapped and suffocated by the air of darkness. God, I’m scared.
I had to try. It was more honorable to die while struggling than just to sit here waiting to die. Waiting to be swollen by the darkness. Let me get down and took the rudder at the end of the world.
My desperation led me to fight against the darkness. Against faith. I had to find the rudder as fast as I could. If not, the only door to get out from this world of darkness would be closed by mental pressure. I decided to go down slowly until I reached the center of the darkness. In the middle of nothingness.
On the bottom of the darkness. I saw the three passages, guided by the light of my conscience. Even though it was dim, with everything that was left. I could pass through the darkness and reached in front of the passages. Which one will take me to the pole? The right one? The left one? Or the middle one? Hurry up! Make your decision. Ta, you have no more time. Make up your mind right this second!
It has got to be the right one. Yup, the right one. Everything is more precious if it is placed on the right side. Everything is more noble if it is given from the right. Yup, the right one, I will take the right passage. But suddenly, no, my brain screamed, followed by my veins. Do not go to go to the right, take the left one, We are sure it is the one. Ah, what do they know, the left one is the one? I lost myself. I couldn’t pick my way. Even my feet tried to go to the middle passage. My arms also demanded. To go to the middle passage.
A battle inside of me grew worse. Not only they screamed, commanding me to go to their chosen way, they also killed each other. Hurt each other. I was getting even lost.
Suddenly, my conscience who was quite the whole time, because it was busy shining my way, continuously shined its light to the wall between two passages. The middle and the left one. Where is it directing me? My soul whispered. Does it want me to go to the middle? Or to the right? My hesitancy grew. While, the battle inside of me reached its peak. Killing and eating each other.
Seconds kept flowing. My soul screamed on the top of its lung. My brain cried asking me to listen to it. Oh, my brain was out of control on its way to its explosion. It hurt as hell. I held my head, I fell, weaken. My conscience kept shining to the wall. I forced my eyes to close. I took a deep breath. I opened my eyes. I looked carefully to each passage, from the right, the middle, until the right one. My feet began to step forward towards the front of the right passage. One step. Two steps. But without knowing, I began to run into the right passage.
I ran and I ran. I felt my organs joyed with happiness. And some fell in tears. They was not heard. I ran and I ran. My conscience was getting dimmer, lighting the walls of the passage. I kept running.
My conscience suddenly flew away from me. Maybe it was disappointed with my choice. I continued running. My brain was so excited because I took his suggestion. My veins applauded. I did not stop running. Deeper into the passage.
There. A light at the end of the passage. Still quite far. Very far. But my feet would not give in. They kept running. My arms cheered. Inside of me, one by one was getting rotten. Killing each other and died. I was sure. This is the right one. Keep running. Everything, do not die in me.
After my conscience was gone. Everything turned dark. My feet hit a huge rock. Unseen. I fell over and tumbled. I bumped my head to the hard and dark wall. My bones surrounding my brain crushed. All scattered about. Happy to see the outside world. Out of their cage. But it was a world filled with darkness. Dark. I wailed. My hands felt the wall. Bloods burst rapidly, flowing between my tangled hairs.
I was weak. I forced my hand to drag this body. Closer to the fading light. Ah, God. You are Almighty. I had no power in front of You. My hand was uncontrolled, sticking stigma coming out from the wall. Fresh blood burst out from my vein. I stopped moving. I felt all the blood flowing out of my brain. From my hands. I leaned on the damp wall. I forced myself to see. But dark. Everything was dark. The spot. Ah, the spot of light. It was fading away. No, don’t leave me.
God. God. I’m helpless, God. My mouth can’t open. My tongue is numb. I’m empty. Suddenly my hand was running out of blood and vanished into dust. Ah. I became nothing. The wind of darkness blew the dust, flew into the light. Wait! Take me with you! I begged. It turned out the passage towards the light would turn you into dust. It meant that I had to stick the rest of my body to the strong and sharp stigma.
My arms bled and turned into dust and flew away again. I stuck my two feet. Then my stomach. My chest all the way to my brain. Everything was bleeding. Then turned into dust. And flew away, blown by the wind of darkness. My wish came through. My last wish. Flying away into the sad light.
My conscience that left me kept flying through the left passage. Then entered the right passage. It was shining over both passages, the left and the middle. It tried to tell me not to choose either. The right one was the one. Filled with crying weeps.
My conscience continued its way into the right passage. Until it found the true spot of light. The it went into the light and shocked. It saw bands of aurora on the sky. On top of the light. Then it found the rudder. And joined again with the feelings-soul-brain-aurora and common sense.
The dust of my body piled up under the dim light. A sad light. The pile was getting higher. And harden in the middle of the darkness and emptiness. A waste of struggle.
Ujungberung II, 24 Januari 2009
Foto diambil di jalan layang Bandung pada 28 Januari 2009.